The Newest Carnival Cruise Ship Will Feature An On-Board Roller Coaster

I guess Carnival Cruise Line is helping James Cameron reverse engineer the sequel to Titanic by launching their biggest ship yet and weighing it down with Guy Fieri hamburgers and a motorcycle-themed roller coaster. According to People, Carnival’s latest sea coffin, dubbed the Mardi Gras, is still under construction in Finland, but it’s maiden voyage is scheduled for October of 2020. Cruisers will be able to enjoy the world’s first, and I predict last, roller coaster at sea. Because why not trust the same people who can’t manage to keep a buffet free of fecal matter with building an onboard iceberg called “BOLT: Ultimate Sea Coaster”. What could possibly go wrong?

People reports:

The new Mardi Gras is the largest Carnival Cruise Line ship ever built, weighing in at a whopping 18,000 tons.

BOLT: Ultimate Sea Coaster will feature 800 feet of track reaching speeds of nearly 40 mph. The coaster will stretch around Carnival’s iconic red funnel, offering riders 360-degree views of the water 187 feet above sea level.

You just know some drunk assholes are going to stand up in the lead car and try to do the Jack and Rose prow pose while suspended midair. This is out of control. What ever happened to good old fashioned sitting by the pool being served fruity cocktails and getting a sunburn after an unscheduled day-drinking nap? How is a person supposed to relax with a Jackie Collins book over the constant din of people screaming as they’re flung into the ocean at 40 mph?

The only cruise I have ever had any desire to board was The Love Boat and that was mainly because of Charo. The Mardi Gras will also feature a show called  Family Feud Live! and “themed zones” called Lido, Summer Landing, Grand Central, French Quarter, La Piazza and the sinister sounding Ultimate Playground, which I pray is for children. Also on offer, “dive-in” movies, “plus a hang-out space with cornhole, trivia, arts and crafts, dance classes and more”. Julie McCoy is shook!

Where will the Mardi Gras be traveling to? Who cares. If you manage to survive the onboard entertainment, you’re going to be in no shape whatsoever for “traveling”.

Pic: Carnival via People

NXIVM Founder Keith Raniere Has Been Found Guilty On All Counts Of Running A Sex Cult

The picture above is a still from an old interview conducted between NXIVM founder and sex cult leader Keith Raniere and his former #1 student/recruiter/branding iron holder Allison Mack. After today, the only interviews he’ll be giving will be through two-way glass, because a Brooklyn jury just found Keith guilty of everything.

The New York Post reports that after a seven-week trial, jurors in a federal court in Brooklyn reached a verdict today after less than five hours of deliberation. Keith was found guilty of the following: racketeering, racketeering conspiracy, wire fraud conspiracy, forced labor conspiracy, sex trafficking, sex trafficking conspiracy, and attempted sex trafficking.

CNN says that Keith maintained he was innocent of all charges throughout his trial, and claimed any sex was consensual. One such “consensual” encounter was allegedly with a 15-year-old girl prior to forming the sex cult arm of NXIVM, called Dominant Over Submissive, or DOS (also sometimes called “The Vow“). That’s the part where the women, like Catherine Oxenberg’s daughter India, were branded with Keith’s initials on their bikini line and starved down until Keith found them skinny enough to have sex with. Catherine was in court today, and reportedly “sobbed” throughout the entire day’s proceedings. But she pulled it together for a press conference afterwards, and she’s “so damn grateful” about the verdict.

Catherine’s friend (and Keith’s former girlfriend) Toni Natalie was asked about her shirt, and she says she wore her “jail” shirt to show Keith that he’d be looking at bars for the rest of his life. Aside form this verdict, Toni might be the only good thing to come out of all this.

The Post points out that the racketeering charge alone could put him away for life. Keith was found guilty of racketeering, as NXIVM was basically a sex cult disguised as a pyramid scheme disguised as a self-help group. Keith will be sentenced on September 25th, 2019. Prosecutor Richard Donoghue gave a statement regarding the guilty verdict today, and he’s happy with the outcome.

“Over the last seven weeks, this trial has revealed that Raniere, who portrayed himself as a savant and a genius, was in fact a massive manipulator, a con man and the crime boss of a cult-like organization involving sex trafficking, child pornography, extortion compelled abortions, branding, degradation and humiliation. The evidence proved that Raniere was truly a modern-day Svengali.”

He might have acted a charismatic Svengali while operating NXIVM, but during today’s verdict, it sounds like he was acting like a straight-up psychopath. The Post says that Keith showed no emotion, and mumbled under his breath when the verdict was read. He also refused to shake his attorney’s hand before being led out of the courtroom in handcuffs, and based on this court room sketch, it would appear he spent some time either super-bored, or sleeping.

Based on Keith’s face, I’d say Gary Cole is a shoo-in to play Keith in that NXIVM TV series. He might want to call up an acting coach, because it’s going to take months of training to be able to convincingly portray that much of a empathy-bankrupt asshole in a shitty v-neck sweater.

Pic: YouTube

A Long Island Man Allegedly Used An Uber As A Getaway Car After Robbing A Dunkin’

Uber clearly wasn’t happy enough killing the taxi industry, they’re now killing the getaway car industry! Poor Baby Driver – I guess there’s always meals on wheels. The only thing is, the Uber driver in this story wasn’t even aware they were transporting a criminal when they made a pit stop at a Long Island Dunkin’ location.

According to NBC New York 4, a 57-year-old Brentwood, NY man named Andrew Sandson was arrested after he allegedly robbed a Dunkin’ (formerly Dunkin’ Donuts) around 9:30pm on Sunday. He reportedly handed over a note informing staff that he had a gun and wanted cash. That’s much different than the note I would have given had I wanted to rob a Dunkin’, as mine would be just a giant picture of a donut and the words LOTS OF THESE PLEASE written across it, while I made a “yum yum” hand motion on my tummy. The employee who received the note took it seriously, and handed over the cash. Andrew Sandson then allegedly ran out the door and hopped into a car that was waiting for him.

Here’s where Andrew’s alleged plan went to shit. A customer in the Dunkin’ wrote down the license plate number of the vehicle. The plate number was traced, and it showed a vehicle registered to an Uber driver. Since Uber is all about tracking rides, it was pretty easy to see where said Uber went after it left Dunkin’. It went straight to Andrew’s home address. That’s where Andrew got busted.

Andrew was then arrested on third-degree robbery charges yesterday. Police say the Uber driver was not involved in the robbery. Andrew’s probably going to go away for a while and do some time. And while he’s saying goodbye to his loved ones, he can say goodbye to Uber, because there’s no way anyone is going to pick him up again after the review that driver is about to leave.

Andrew S. asked me to make a stop at Dunkin’ where he proceeded to rob the place, and can you believe he never even though to grab me anything while he was inside to say thank you for the trouble? No donuts, no iced coffee, not even a box of Munchkins. Rude! Zero stars.

Pic: Instagram

Gaten Matarazzo Is Hosting A Prank Show That Hires People For Fake Jobs, And The Internet Already Hates It

In the grand tradition of Punk’d, Scare Tactics, and Jackass, Deadline reports that Netflix has ordered eight episodes of a series called Prank Encounters, in which innocent strangers will be pranked on the job by 16-year-old Gaten Matarazzo, who plays Dustin on Stranger Things. The basis of the pranks is that people are hired for fake jobs, not knowing their new job is fake, and they were only hired so strangers at home can laugh at their misfortune. If that seems kind of like a cruel set up, then you might be one of the many people who called the show out before a single episode has been released.

Prank Encounters took the temporary title of Most Hated Thing On The Internet after the press release for the show went out last week.

“Each episode of this terrifying and hilarious prank show takes two complete strangers who each think they’re starting their first day at a new job. It’s business as usual until their paths collide and these part-time jobs turn into full-time nightmares.”

Gaten will serve as an executive producer as well as host, and it’s not known what kind of hosting role he’ll play. But I’m picturing him sitting in a van watching the chaos go down from a hidden camera, giving instructions into an actor’s ear piece, like, “Okay, now grab a rag and tell them it’s their job to wipe the extremely lactose intolerant elephant’s butt for $7.25 an hour. And when they ask for gloves, tell them there are no gloves! Ha ha! And no lunch breaks! And also no health insurance, because the job is fake LOL.

The jobs offered on Prank Encounters will most likely be one-off gig work or odd jobs. But still, many found it cruel to dangle the opportunity of employment in front of unsuspecting people, while others pointed out that it’s in pretty poor taste for a rich teenager to prank someone who desperately needs a job. Back in March, it was reported that the cast of Stranger Things all got significant pay raises for Season 3, and Gaten reportedly makes $250,000 an episode (which works out to $2 million for the eight-episode season).

Pranks are supposed to be a funny thing where everyone ends up laughing, or Justin Timberlake ends up crying. This is just a bummer. And I can tell you, as someone who was once tens of thousands deep in debt, some people will do just about anything out of financial desperation. That show is going to get really weird when one of them is told they’ve been “hired” to taste test a new energy drink made from donkey jizz, and the person responds, “Cool, do I get paid in cash or e-transfer?

Pic: Instagram

Open Post: Hosted By The Trailer For The Future Oscar Winner And Drag Queen Slasher Movie “Killer Unicorn”

THIS is the cinema of which we need more. Future Criterion Collection offering Killer Unicorn is a low-budget but high-glamour look at what would happen if you made I Know What You Did Last Summer with thespian drag queens, enema parties, and nary a hint of that busted Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Here’s the synopsis via Dread Central:

Danny is your average Brooklyn party boy. This year, he and his friends couldn’t be more excited about the upcoming “Brooklyn Annual Enema Party”; one of Brooklyn’s biggest party events! While the night starts out fun, it quickly takes a turn when Danny is attacked by a stranger. He survives, but now a year later, Danny decides to give his social life a second chance. Wrong choice – as Danny and everyone else who helped him that night, are in danger. A man wearing a unicorn mask is killing off Brooklyn, one queen at a time, and he won’t stop until he has his revenge.

Killing off Brooklyn? Can’t that murderous unicorn start with the hipsters first? Here’s Killer Unicorn screenwriter José D. Álvarez’s elevator pitch for the movie.

Writer Alvarez has talked about the film at several major magazines. At Billboard, he described the film as: “Like John Waters topping John Carpenter, so equal parts scary, campy and queer.”

If they can get all of that on the poster, this is going to be bigger than Marvel.

Pic: YouTube

Open Post: Hosted By The Guy Who Hit A Cop Car While Watching “Saved By The Bell” While Driving

God bless #Murica. 55-year-old Kevin Bacon, and not the actor as far as this Smoking Gun story knows, was allegedly watching clips from Saved By The Bell on his phone. Specifically an episode called “Screech’s Spaghetti Sauce.” While driving. And he hit a cop car. Wait, he really told the Thetford Police Department cops WHAT EPISODE he was watching? Did I type the #Murica hashtag yet? Someone check.

The officer whose car he sideswiped with his 2016 Chevrolet Spark on Thursday afternoon was reportedly helping a motorist on Vermont’s Interstate 91 when Mario Lopez’s 1990’s jheri curl obviously distracted Kevin.

After striking the police car, Bacon continued driving for a short distance, then stopped his vehicle before “fleeing the scene of the crash.” Bacon was apprehended about a mile from the crash scene.

The cop claims that Kevin Bacon didn’t even look up from his phone when he hit his car and just kept watchin’ and drivin’. He was arrested and charged with “gross negligent operation of a vehicle and leaving the scene of a crash.”

Kevin Bacon (you can’t help repeating the name) was also charged a fine for texting while driving and his court date is scheduled for July 31 if you want to drive to Vermont that day for some laughs.

Here’s the episode in question. Now that I’ve watched it, I understand. SBTB was a really good show and Dustin Diamond’s fake mustache is hypnotic.

Pic: Dailymotion

May’s Hot Slut Of The Month Is….

Billy Porter has been killing it at every awards show from the Golden Globes to the Oscars to the Tonys, and now he has killed it at another illustrious awards show, Dlisted’s Hot Slut of the Month extravaganza, by winning it all. And our awards show has a red carpet for Billy Porter to destroy too, only he may want to wear a rhinestone-embedded Hazmat suit since our red carpet would give a black light night terrors.

The “Cleopatra if Cleopatra was a regular at Studio 54” glamour that Billy Porter laid down at the Met Gala has won May’s HSOTM showdown with 46% of the votes. Patty Ratburn came in second with 32%, and the dick chili and the ceramic ballet slippers pretty much tied with around 11% each.

Billy Porter’s Met Gala look will now go on to the Hot Slut of the Year semi-finals next year, and there’s a very good chance his Met Gala look will battle another look from Billy Porter. The year is still young-ish, so there’s time for another Billy Porter look to take a HSOTM crown. Like this one:

That look definitely won an honorary HSOTM. It’s as if Marie Antoinette wanted to work a new look to a club in the 70s but only had enough material from a denim bean bag to make a skirt and some billowy arm warmers, and she knew she still delivered the glamour in record doses. Let them eat, this ass!

Thanks to all who voted!


The Police Were Called To Joe Jonas’ Bachelor Party Three Times

In case you didn’t really know, the Jonas Brothers are now grown up bad boys. Purity rings suck, having sex RULES! And the all-grown Jonas Brothers love to party. They party so hard, the police show up. And not because the police officer wants an autograph for their 8-year-old niece McKaylah.

The Jonas Brothers – Nick, Joe, and Kevin – appeared on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night to promote their latest album, Happiness Begins. Us Weekly says Jimmy Fallon challenged the Jonas Men to a game called “Know Your Bro,” to see how well they knew each other.

After asking questions about Kevin and Nick, Jimmy got to recently married Joe. Joe married Sophie Turner last month in Las Vegas. So Jimmy asked what the wildest thing that happened at Joe’s bachelor party was. Nick answered:

“Where do we start? We’re going to air it out. We had the cops – on the first night – called on us three times.”

He added that Joe was also guilty of ripping off his shirt and the shirts of two of his friends in a club, and wearing a tequila box as a bandanna all day on a boat. Joe confirmed that the police were called three times.

But none of the Jonas Brothers explained why the police were called so many times. Since it was the bachelor party of a dude with too much money, my guess is the first was due to a beyond-drunk Joe sing-screaming “Cake By The Ocean” at karaoke. The second? Probably due to something equally hard core, like littering that busted tequila box after he was done with it. The third reason? My guess is someone anonymously called the cops on Nick, who wouldn’t shut up about his own wedding. “Did I mention I had like, four of these bachelor parties? Have I told you this?


Heidi Montag Was Excited That Lauren Conrad Wouldn’t Be On “The Hills: New Beginnings”

When it was announced that MTV was rebooting The Hills, it seemed crazy that they could have a show without its star, Lauren Conrad. But Lauren Conrad was reportedly in a “different place” in her life, meaning she doesn’t need the money that badly. And that’s how we ended up with The Hills: New Beginnings, starring Heidi Montag, Whitney Port, Audrina Patridge, and Mischa Barton. You would think the cast of the rebooted Hills would be nervous that the show was going to be a flop without the most legitimate cast member. But Heidi and the gang actually seem pretty happy that LC isn’t involved.

The cast of The Hills: New Beginnings sat down with Good Morning America yesterday to talk about the show, and of course they eventually got to the blonde elephant in the room, and I’m not talking about Spencer Pratt’s massive ego. Heidi says she was “excited” that Lauren wasn’t involved, because it felt more “freeing” and “fair” for herself. Audrina added:

“She was always the one, the leader, the one who would tell you what to do. So now it’s kinda like we all get to make our own choices and be your own self.”

Even without Lauren’s control, Audrina didn’t have a hard time knowing what to say or do during filming. She says that they did the show for so long, that it was “so normal,” and that when they all got back together to shoot the reboot, you just “snapped back into it.

Audrina makes it sound like Lauren Conrad had an insane amount of creative control in the character development of The Hills, like telling people what to do. But it’s not as though anyone listened to her. Half the scenes on The Hills involved Lauren with a face full of mascara tears, wondering why the hell a certain someone hasn’t deleted Justin Bobby’s number out of their Nokia flip phone.

And what is Heidi talking about when she says that a Lauren-less show would be more fair? Is she implying that Lauren had the show edited in a way that made Heidi come across as a plastic, brainless, vapid attention whore as the show went on? Because I think the culprit responsible there was a medical diagnosis called: just being Heidi Montag.


Drake Wore A $750,000 “Erotic” Watch To The NBA Finals. Yes, I Said “EROTIC”

As is his wont, Drake attended game 5 of the NBA finals last night wearing what can only be described as a sexual harassment dry eraser board on his wrist. According to Page Six, Drake was seen flashing a $750,000 Richard Mille “69 Tourbillon Erotic” watch that features a “three panels capable of displaying different suggestive phrases”. Last night, Drake’s watch was set to “I’d Love to Kiss Your Pussy”. As punishment, God made the Raptors lose the game by a single point. #Godsplan

Despite the fact that Drake just recorded a song with Chris Brown, this is the grossest and tackiest public display of Drakeness thus far. Why go hoarse screaming “I’m a giant douche bag” when your watch can do it for you. General warning: DO NOT ASK DRAKE FOR THE TIME.

Page Six reports:

The top bar can be changed to display statements like, “I want to,” “I need to,” “I long to,” “I lust to,” “I’d love to” and “Let me.” The middle bar adds in the active verbs, such as “explore,” “taste,” “kiss,” “arouse,” “devour” and “caress.” And the bottom bar gets into the specifics: “you tonight,” “your lips,” “your body,” “your nipples,” “your pussy” and “you madly.”

Ooh, ooh, let me try! I Long For –  Love And AttentionFrom My Daddy. Now that’s what time it is, Drake. According to the watchmaker’s website, this watch would make the perfect gift for the burgeoning little Marquis de Sade in your life.

Erotic timepieces are part of watchmaking history. Designers of yore played with the theme of libertinism by mechanically recreating suggestive scenes.

Because they broke with conservative moral, religious and political customs, these objects were often banned and confiscated. But like all forbidden love, their pleasure was enjoyed away from prying eyes. Thus by concealing the complications at the heart of watches in question, certain models have survived to this day.

On the RM 69, however, love and eroticism proclaim themselves proudly and clearly in words. Far from scenes brought to life by automatons, this creation plays on the desire to openly express passion, sensuality and even sexuality.

In other words, this watch is a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. But hey, I guess if you can’t afford the settlement, you can’t afford the watch. I predict that in a few weeks this watch will be added to the rusted pile of rapidly  depreciating junk Drake’s been accumulating over the years. Either that, or he’s going to save it to give to baby Adonis on his 5th birthday. If that’s the case, the setting should remain I Long For – Love And Attention – From My Daddy.